The Reality of Needing Validation and Meaning.

A Downside to Being a Social Species for Introverts.

I feel better, already.

Humans are a social animal species. We are hard-wired to crave acceptance from our tribe. There was once a time when such strict networks were vital to keeping yourself alive and the species going. Unfortunately, evolution is slow, and we are still designed to need validation from others. This can be especially depressing for introverted, anti-social, or neurodivergent people.

It is important to understand self-esteem in order to understand the need for validation. It is pretty simple, despite people’s best attempts to complicate it.

Brief History of Self-Esteem Psychology

For as long as human behavior has been studied, the concept of self-esteem and how it works is surprisingly new. It was just in the 1950s-1970s that Abraham Maslow and Carl Rogers determined self-esteem to be a part of human motivation and is closely linked to how much a person’s ideal self is reflected in their personal experiences.

Once the formula was cracked, it got hijacked.

The Formula For Self-Esteem

Keeping it as simple as possible:

In our formative years, we do an activity. We do it well or poorly and are recognized for this. If we experience that we are not good at activities and are told this by others, this develops low self-esteem. If we do well and are recognized for that – high self-esteem.

But

What if the child is told they did better than the actual performance or vice versa? That takes us to the next era of self-esteem study, arguably the most destructive.

The Self-Esteem Movement (1980s-1990s).

Nathanial Branden (the “father of self-esteem”) promoted the idea that high self-esteem was crucial to being capable of handling the basic challenges of life and experiencing true happiness.

He was not entirely wrong, but this led to sweeping changes in how children were raised with the entire focus being boosting self-esteem. The solution: Tell children that they’re great at things no matter how awful they are at those things.

What Could Go Wrong?

The birth of participation trophies.

Kids have a tendency to believe that they are good or bad based more on what they are told than on reality…at first. It seems like a great idea to fluff a child’s self-esteem to promote better feelings so they can perform better in the future. Unfortunately, it can rob them of the incentive to improve. Worse – it is a form of gaslighting.

Gaslighting? What?

Telling someone they are better than they are at something is a form of manipulation. You are trying to get what you want out of it; it creates a false world for the other person.

Many wonder why younger generations are so disenfranchised and negative. Well, they were raised to believe that they were great at everything and could accomplish anything and it wasn’t until they were 18 and out in the real world that they were forced to face the limitations of their capabilities and reality.

For the gas and the BS.

They were lied to by the people they trusted and were part of a failed social experiment they were forced into against their will. Of course, they’re pissed.

How Self-Esteem Plays into Validation Needs

Have you heard that quote about not drinking poison just because you’re thirsty? Low self-esteem makes you thirsty. Low self-esteem leaves you questioning your ability to determine your self-worth, make decisions, even take care of yourself. This leads to a couple of possible outcomes.

Unrealistic Reliance of External Validation

When you don’t trust yourself, you turn to others for everything. This sets you up to be taken advantage of by the worst of people and avoided by the best. People might love someone, but not everyone is cut out to play therapist for a person going through esteem issues.

Suspicion of External Validation

This is more on the rare side of things, but how it impacted me. I was a runt of a child who obviously sucked at athletics. However, people trying to build me up would try to tell me that I was good. My mother had such thick mom goggles that she felt everything I did was amazing.

Though I have built self-esteem, I have developed a sensitivity to smoke being blown up my ass. I have a tendency to take all compliments with a grain of salt. I assume it is just superficial flattery unless I am being complimented on something I can objectively verify warranted it.

Decent at Tae Kwon Do? If you say so.

What Do These Situations Have in Common That Few Admit?

It was all beyond your control. You didn’t choose what tasks were presented to you as a child, how good you naturally were at those tasks, or whether or not the adults in your life would tell you the truth about your performance.

Getting validation from people who appreciate things outside of what you provide is nearly impossible. Creative children who grow up in homes that value athleticism don’t get the validation they need because the parents don’t put any esteem on the talents children possess outside of sports.

This can set someone up to have low self-esteem despite having outstanding talents in other areas. This is why neurodiverse people tend to be ostracized, which leads the neurodiverse to withdraw. Unfortunately, our inherent need for connection will cause depression if we fail to find appreciation.

What To Do?

It is OK not to trust your instincts after gaslighting if you experienced any of this. That is only normal.

Find a tribe. It can be online. It is important to find people who do value what you bring to the table. This will make it easier to find a connection with others.

Stop seeking validation from people who can’t offer it. Recalibrate with a trustworthy source. Allow external validation to come from worthwhile people; people who recognize the value in you and what you have to offer.

Best Blessings,

Neth W.